Funny How Life Works in Patterns

Like I mentioned before, my life has always been ruled by patterns. I look at patterns to try and find out what I could do, or how to fix a problem that has been existing, or even simply just to identify something without even doing anything about it.

I just remembered this today while I was washing clothes outside. When I was a kid, I used to play with the flow of water by using two buckets to alter their flow from the faucet to the pail. I would use one bucket to slow down its fall, tilt it towards the second bucket which was I placed below, and watch them fall in the flow that I induced down to the pail.

I guess, since childhood, I already had the inherent desire and perhaps even the raw skill to manipulate things in my favor. I love to induce an influence in the pattern and see how it affects the entire picture. I love to make scenarios inside my head, and plan what to do with it just in case it happens to me, and also how to avoid such a disaster unless I feel like it has to happen.

However, I rarely make any actual manipulations. One such time I used it was in 2004 when I manipulated my mother along with my neighbors so that I can find out a secret about a girl in this neighborhood. I manipulated the girl herself into believing I want to have a relationship with her, just to know what it is in her mind and whether the rumors about her were true, while working other people into opposing it so she'll split up with me soon after I find out her secret. The other time I used it also was in 2007, in my former workplace although I will not go into details about what I did. However, you can be sure that it's the lesser of two evils compared to the one I did in 2004.

I'm not proud of it what I did, and in my self-assessment in later years, it has led me to become disgusted with myself. Sometimes I couldn't help but think that I am a danger to the society and perhaps to myself, as I am there are a lot of things that even my "three steps ahead" foresight cannot predict. However, it's here and I cannot change it; the only way I can do it is to find out how I can use on a positive note. At least, I could say I did something good with what I have.

Now, people always say there's something random a person is bound to do every once in a while. However, I think so otherwise. For me, there's nothing random about this world. Each one of us follows a pattern that dictates our actions. As you could see in history, world wars happened because of a certain pattern that eventually led to the full event. That's still the same with our lives: there is what they call destiny, but for me destiny is simply something that our pattern of actions have taken us to. For one thing, each individual action we make is also a result of patterns: our thought patterns. Our thoughts drive us to do one thing and then we do it. I don't even think it's an issue of attitude: it's simply thoughts

Popularity vs. Obscurity

Since I was young, I've always been curious as to how it is to be popular among the masses. This could be thanks to the media; it seems very comfortable and glamorous to be rich and popular. However, as I grew up I realized I don't like being popular at all: I'd prefer to be obscure.

For example, there have been a lot of things that I could take credit for. The event I organized during the previous fiesta here is one thing; the many students I've helped finish their thesis are another. There have been a lot of other things that nobody except myself and those involved know about; I rarely talk about what I achieve. Sometimes I make up tall tales just for the hell of it, but that does not happen often except when I'm truly drunk and I seem to want to do that to entertain my friends and drinking buddies.

However, all the things I've done that could have made me popular, I've intentionally buried them.

The truth is, I hate the spotlight. I hate being scrutinized for what you do; I hate being pressured by other people. They don't have the right after all and, even though most people would consider it a challenge, I consider it a waste of time to persevere just to please other people. If I do make great efforts it's not for the approval of others; it's for my own approval and I don't care really what other people may say.

When I was younger, however, I balanced on a thin line: pleasing myself and other people because I didn't want anyone disapproving of my actions. However, it was something I wasn't happy with. After a while, it turned out that I was already teetering towards living my life for other people and it wasn't good. I wanted to live for myself, and I've barely begun.

Finally, I've always wondered why people are so attracted to you when you try to shut yourself off from them. Just this year, I've realized why: they're curious about you, and will always try to get into your personal bubble. You're fresh meat, figuratively speaking. Once they've found out what they want to find out about you, the interest wavers and then they start to leave.

That's why I've always preferred to have a small yet intimate group of people I call friends. It's quite melodramatic to have one big group of friends but yet so few of you understand each other. For me, it's just coming together because they need someone to be there for them. Along the way they forget their own strengths as they become overly reliant on their friends emotionally. They end up sucking each other's life forces by continually running and whining over to each other even with very small and trivial matters they consider big. That almost happened to me, but thank god I've learned in time.