Popularity vs. Obscurity

Since I was young, I've always been curious as to how it is to be popular among the masses. This could be thanks to the media; it seems very comfortable and glamorous to be rich and popular. However, as I grew up I realized I don't like being popular at all: I'd prefer to be obscure.

For example, there have been a lot of things that I could take credit for. The event I organized during the previous fiesta here is one thing; the many students I've helped finish their thesis are another. There have been a lot of other things that nobody except myself and those involved know about; I rarely talk about what I achieve. Sometimes I make up tall tales just for the hell of it, but that does not happen often except when I'm truly drunk and I seem to want to do that to entertain my friends and drinking buddies.

However, all the things I've done that could have made me popular, I've intentionally buried them.

The truth is, I hate the spotlight. I hate being scrutinized for what you do; I hate being pressured by other people. They don't have the right after all and, even though most people would consider it a challenge, I consider it a waste of time to persevere just to please other people. If I do make great efforts it's not for the approval of others; it's for my own approval and I don't care really what other people may say.

When I was younger, however, I balanced on a thin line: pleasing myself and other people because I didn't want anyone disapproving of my actions. However, it was something I wasn't happy with. After a while, it turned out that I was already teetering towards living my life for other people and it wasn't good. I wanted to live for myself, and I've barely begun.

Finally, I've always wondered why people are so attracted to you when you try to shut yourself off from them. Just this year, I've realized why: they're curious about you, and will always try to get into your personal bubble. You're fresh meat, figuratively speaking. Once they've found out what they want to find out about you, the interest wavers and then they start to leave.

That's why I've always preferred to have a small yet intimate group of people I call friends. It's quite melodramatic to have one big group of friends but yet so few of you understand each other. For me, it's just coming together because they need someone to be there for them. Along the way they forget their own strengths as they become overly reliant on their friends emotionally. They end up sucking each other's life forces by continually running and whining over to each other even with very small and trivial matters they consider big. That almost happened to me, but thank god I've learned in time.

Materialism

Some people just don't know that they're telling more than what they are saying... they just don't realize that I sometimes read between the lines.

I hate materialism. That's the one thing in this world that I'll never learn to like. As a child, I was exposed to the materialistic inclinations of the wife of my grandfather's brother. I don't like her even now, despite the fact she's already old and that she is my grandmother. Well, I don't care about her and I never will. I hate people who look down on others just because they have less than what they have or, in some cases, because they have more than what these people have.

I know just a few minutes ago, my aunt (the same asshole one I almost killed two months ago) was talking about how a guy would stick to a girl if he has spent a lot on her. Considering his investment, she says, he'd stick to the girl even if he has no feelings. I know she was talking about my girlfriend because she said it a bit louder when I was around. Then I know she was talking about my previous relationship when said the true feelings come out if there is give-and-take.

What she doesn't know is that if you make calculations, 80% of the spendings during dates with my ex-girlfriend was shouldered by me. It's a pride thing, anyway, because I don't like the idea of a girl spending on me. I spent a lot on my ex-girlfriend, yet I managed to let it go when the time came that it made no sense already. Because of that, her theory sounds bullshit to me. That's because I don't look at things materially. What I spent is not something that I count. That's what she'll never see. She probably never will, or if she does, she won't admit it.

I feel sorry for these people. They'll never get past the world they created for themselves, and will never see the big picture due to their unwillingness to be open to the reality and the multi-faceted aspects of this world. Well, as for my aunt, I'd really want to shove her theories and bullshit up her sorry ass. If there's one person in this world I'll never forgive, then that person would be her.