Friday, March 6, 2009

Looking Inside a Person's Heart

Have you ever had the experience of talking about your problems, and then someone butts in and says, "You know that problem of yours is so small compared to mine...." or something like that.

That for me is a case of insensitivity. You know why? No one can really understand the emotional depth of what a person goes through. You can only give advices as to the context of your experiences. Do not ever try to compare someone's problem to yours because you can never tell how it affects a person emotionally. Yes, you might mean well when say that. You are surely encouraging that person when you say that, but you are giving a message that you are comparing yourself to him or her. But, no, nobody understands anything until they feel it for themselves.

You can only give a comparison, in an attempt for him to understand that he can make it through such a problem. You are trying to tell him that his is not the only problem in this world. However, the way you can say it can affect the person.

All of us has this instinct of thinking that we are all above everyone else. Our problems are bigger than anyone else. In case of conflict, our perceptions are above the other party. It rarely happens that someone tries to weigh what he says against the possible reception of the other party. What if the other party feels that you are belittling his problem? In keeping up with the context above, you are giving the person the perception that his problem is so small that it is not even worth thinking about. You are lucky if that person has such an open mind, but it rarely happens for someone who is in emotional turmoil.

What these people need is someone to listen to them, and not someone to lecture them about how small their problems are or how easy they are to solve.

As for my own experience, people wonder why I'm so cynical or so pessimistic about the whole world. Truth is, I'm not pessimistic. It's the way I act, or the way I say it. But I am not pessimistic. The world is such a big place to give judgment to. It's not in my rights nor is it in my capacity to be able to give judgment as to who is right or who is wrong. I tell them something about my experiences, and they are so quick to make comments. What they don't understand is that there may be something else beyond the revelation that a person makes. He may be hiding something, something he is not comfortable about revealing.

As for myself, they really don't know what I've been through. Everyone knows about my family, but they don't really what are the other experiences that led me through what my personality is. I've since come to terms that everything happens because they need to, but what I really hate are those persons that judge right away without knowing what a person has been carrying after all those years. Everything in this life follows a sequence. Everything leads to something.

For one, have they ever thought what it feels to be leading someone into danger when all I've ever did was to take them with me because I thought would be safer? I was in fourth grade then. Some first graders followed me, and I thought they would be safer because I was around as someone older. I admit I was wrong for taking them with me, but at that time, I was only thinking about what would happen to them if I was not around. But what happened is that their parents complained that I dragged their children with me when all that happened was that they followed me. I did not drag them! What's worse is, the guidance counselor did not believe me. She sided with the parents because I was just a kid. How can I fight with that? My mother beat my ass black and blue because of that. But how can I fight with that?

That's why I truly hate it when someone follows me around. Deep inside, I still fear the same episode even now... 15 years later, I still feel the same fear inside of me.

Then in the same year, someone from my level ran into trouble with his own gang. He told me to tell the other side that they should meet and fight. So gullible back then, I did what I was told. Lunchtime, I was eating my fill when someone told me I need to go to the guidance counselor because I incited them to fight. I defended myself, saying that I did not incite them and that it was their own doing, but nobody believed me. What's worse, the guy who incited everything exposed the other members of his own "gang" and they all believed I was the one who exposed them even though I didn't even know the fuck they were. Have they even felt what it was like to be framed for something you did not even do?

It caused me to hate the world for more than a decade; it took me quite some time before I even trusted someone. The only persons I ever trust number only to a few, even until now.

Mine is not a very big problem. However, in my side, at that time it had been very big. It isn't so big now because I've learned from it. I've been able to use my experiences to mold myself into a person that has been better than what they were back then. If they had changed for the better, then kudos, good for them. I'm glad for them. At least they wouldn't be hurting other people anymore.

The point here is, before you make a comment, think about what the other person feels. Think about the pain he's going through. Don't be judgmental; I've been that way before, and it didn't bring me any good. You don't know what a person is going through. Sometimes it's even better to just keep quiet and let a person express what he feels. Advices don't mean anything most of the times, but companionship does.

No comments: