Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Undead Terrorizes Another Year

Waaaah! 2009 is here, and I am still here flaunting my undead ghastliness and cynicism. It turns out that i really couldn't die yet until I achieve what the fuck I am here for... unless I decide to take a more active hand really and commit suicide. I'm seriously considering that, but that's beside the point.

Let me sit back and tell you a few interesting takes on my past year, since this is the first day of the New Year.

  • First, my break-up with my "mature" girlfriend in February 2008. I need not go into details about this break-up, since I don't want to bore you with years-old stories and accounts which some people might think of disputing. What makes this interesting is how she went over to my house when I was away in Negros to whine about it, resulting in the persecution of my current girlfriend. Nobody's perfect yes but for me it was a fuckin' childish thing to do. And my aunt and mother's joint reactions to the new relationship is nothing but stupid and absurd. To hell with both of them this year!
  • My new-found love for music. I realized I really wanted to be a musician, and since they say it's never too late to start so I invested in time, patience and money to acquire a new trade: being a keyboardist. I never really had an idea that I'd need it later on, as a therapy to keep my inner demons at bay. I'd be working on this for the whole of 2009!
  • My decision to finally shed the facade that I have maintained for 8 years and become the fully fledged Undead that I am. I am not immortal like the Elves of Middle-Earth nor as compassionate and as wise as they are. I am the Undead, with all the ghoulish and ghastly associations that come with it. I will be myself in 2009 and woe be to those that wouldn't like what they would be seeing!
  • My continuing alcoholism and my deteriorating tolerance. When before I could drink up to 6 large bottles of Red Horse with a group without any problem, I realized now that I can only take up to two and start throwing up because my stomach has become too full and the acid starts to rise up my throat. I'll maintain that limit for 2009.
  • Last year I acquired a new connection: an American in Korea! Don used to be just an online buddy in XGAM, a forum I used to be active in. July last year Don visited the Philippines in what was supposed to be a three-day stay in Cebu but due to unfortunate circumstances the stay lengthened to a week. It had been an experience being host to a foreigner at your own home. I don't expect to make new ones in 2009. I'm simply not good at visitors.
  • The most interesting events had happened in the last Month of 2008, as if time was saving the best for last for me. I bought my new keyboards as planned, even earlier than planned, and even had the experience to go caroling house-to-house. Although most members considered it a negative experience, I simply don't. I'm going to make a few interesting experiences this year in 2009.
And oh, yeah this deserves its own paragraph. Near the end of December, I had the experience of actually almost dying. I was riding in a taxi at 5:30 a.m. and I noticed the car kept slightly swerving off the road. I looked at the rearview mirror and saw that the driver was nodding in sleep. The highway was almost deserted but nobody could second-guess that almighty Ceres bus that might plow through at high speed.

I was caught in two dilemmas: wake him up, or let him do his craft so we could die together. I was actually thrilled. The thought I could die without starting to pay for my keyboards never even occurred to me. However, I realized he might actually wake up of his own accord and drive normally, so I shocked him with a forceful slap to the head in the hope that he will get a heart attack and actually die. "Murder" never even crossed my mind.

In the end, he woke up and didn't get a heart attack. The Undead continue to live for another year. Like I said, the Undead cannot die... not yet. He has continued to live on and terrorize another year.

With pleasure. *insert evil laugh here*

Oh, hell, I think I've given you some sort of New Year's Resolution. Bummer.

Good luck for your 2009. May the Force be with you all.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Plans for 2009

Everyone has a plan for every New Year that comes along the way. The Immortal Undead is no exception. I have plans for 2009 as well, although these plans are no longer as small as my plans used to be. These are big, life-defining plans. These are plans that will have a major effect on my life and perhaps a few other lives as well.

Practice to become the keyboardist for the chapel

I'm not religious, and I don't plan to be. However, I want to give the people in this place where I live a new experience: to have a keyboard player join the local choir during the monthly mass on a Wednesday. It's not even a charity; I'm doing this to make sure people will not forget me when I die. It's for my own gain; I want the people in my neighborhood to remember me as the one who made a difference in their sorry lives and gave them something new. Besides, I wanted to die in a blaze of glory: next year might be my last, and this is my way to make sure I go out in a bang.

Become a better photographer

In a previous blog I mentioned that I am going to get myself my own digital single-lens reflex camera as a birthday gift for myself. This is part of my quest to take better pictures. True, it's not the bow, it's the Indian but an SLR gives me more creative opportunities much like my new keyboards gives me more options in expressing myself through music. In line with that saying, an Indian can hit farther targets with a longer bow etcetera etcetera. And then I shall use the people in this place as models. Again, this is to make sure they don't forget me as the person who gave them something new to look back to in their pathetic lives.

Learn financial independence

Because of everything that has happened to me in 2008, I realized I have to become financially independent so that no one can ever touch or meddle with my affairs even if it includes my own mother and father. Those two have touched the end of my patience; I'm no longer chummy to the idea that they have some sort of control over me even if I'm already at this age. No one has to right to bond me, parents included. This is my life and that's the way it should be, and financial independence is a good start.

That's about it. The three major plans that I have to put into motion when the New Year starts within a few days, and I will leap through rock and stone just to make them into reality. No longer will I be the passive and carefree person I used to be; for my own good, I have to start taking a hand and stop letting "destiny" guide me through the road I didn't even want to take.

Looking Back on 2008

Looking back, 2008 is not a good year for me. True, I got a few things I never thought I'd be able to buy: a Sony Playstation 2 for my birthday (paid it off after a nightmarish 6 months) and a brand new Casio CTK-5000 keyboards (going to start paying for it just after my PC obligations expire next month).

However, the torment and the pain I had to go through for the majority of the year are not compensated for by these material things. Because of what my family -- of all people -- had done to me this year the feeling of fulfillment I should be getting from buying those things have simply disappeared.

2008 was marked by pain, problems and heated encounters. It had to take several rampages and destroyed appliances at home to get my mother to get off my back. It had to take a dagger pointed at my aunt's throat just for them to get my message that I don't want them meddling too much with my life. It had to take a few ripped skin off my fists and some bleeding just for them to get the message.

Well now they got the message; it's time for me to turn the tables on them next year. Let's see how they'd feel after I give them a dose of their own medicine. Sometimes you have to let people experience the same thing for them to understand what pain they are causing others. If I have to cast my soul aside just to do that, then I will. Lelouch Lamperouge has taught me quite a lot of lessons about myself.

If there's any good that rose out of the turmoil of 2008, it's the fact that I realized a lot of things about myself. I could no longer go on pretending to be what I am just to keep some people called friends close; I realized I had to show my true self even if it means I'd have to let go of some people who knew me for so long but yet clearly doesn't understand anything about me. I also realized that you cannot please all people nor you can expect all people to understand what you are doing. No amount of explaining can change the stubborn mind of one's that made up. The important thing is, you know what you are doing and that would be enough to fuel you through.

I've tried so hard (perhaps I failed) to put myself in other people's shoes my whole life just to maintain a "good" image that I've totally forgotten who I was. I had been living for other people; I didn't give myself a chance to live for myself.

2008 also taught me of what I was capable of. I never thought I had to learn it the hard way and against the wishes of my own family, but I learned to fight and stand for what I thought was right and good for me. All my life I sought to please other people that I've forgotten to keep myself happy as well. But this year I realized what it's like to live for yourself and find your own happiness: the people whom you thought would be happy for you would actually try to steal it away from you if it goes against their own happiness. A pretty selfish way to live life, thank God I'm not living that.

In the end, the pain and the anger they sowed into me bore fruit. I used my sorrow, my hate, my anger as my power to fuel my efforts and reach my plans. What Jet Li's character said in Rogue makes sense: "pain can be a weapon if you so choose." I chose, and I got to where I am. It's a bit sad, but I can never use happiness as a fuel to feed my heart's fire.

2009 is the start of a new life for me. From now on, I will live life for myself and not for other people. I should start living life the way I should be and not the way people want it to be. I won't let anyone forcing anything on me be it good or bad; nor will I force things on other people. It's my life, it's their lives. Que sera sera. To each his own. After all that's happened, everything beyond the gray curtain to the next year seems vague.

2009 might be an interesting year, after all. One thing is for certain: a few people will surely feel regret for everything they've done to me because I will be back with a vengeance.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Empty Can Rattles the Most

There's this saying "the empty can rattles the most." I never realized until last night how apt it could possibly be.

Okay, a brief background. In my sitio, I am the vice president of the youth council. Technically this year you could say I'm the de facto president because the actual president is so inutile and deserves to be castrated. He always wants to have someone by his side when doing something and chooses to postpone it if I'm not available most of the times due to circumstances beyond my control. As a result, he is stagnant. Anyway, since our fiesta is starting, we have started planning the activities two weeks ago. He and I were supposed to be jointly in charge of Activity No. 1, "Mr. Pogi" but no, he chose not to coordinate because he wants me to go knocking on his door to solicit his help. I had so much to think of to even do that, including my work.

I happened to be already cynical and pissed off at his style so I went one-man army in organizing the event. Lol, just kidding. I was busy organizing the first event since last week, assigning the activities to a few people as sub-chairpersons. So, it went like this: I assigned one youngster here as in-charge of recruiting people who'll participate as contestants, and assigned my cousin as in-charge of the decoration. I decided to busy myself preparing the CDs and other media that the contestants and guest participants need to pull off their numbers because that's where I'm good at. I even had to remix a few songs for some kids who were going to be guest dancers last night.

All in all, it was a success. Everyone had fun. I had fun myself. Nobody except the participants and the ones who helped organize the event knew that I was the overall chairman. I refused to have my name publicly credited because I've always hated being put in the spotlight. It's as if I'm working only for credit, which I am not. I just worked at it because I had to.

What I realized last night, is that no matter what you do, there will always be feedback from people. Positive feedbacks are welcome, yet negative comments are always invited. The funny thing in life is that the negatives always come from those that never had a hand in the organization. They're the prima donnas of the night; they just prefer to sit back and nitpick at a few mistakes as if they have the right to. However, they have no one to direct it to because I was basically a shadow organizer: I worked behind the scenes.

Lesson learned: People, typically most Filipinos, will always want things to work their way without exerting the effort needed to get that goal. In my case, it was these people's inability to assist or even volunteer to help in order to arrive at the event they wanted to. Which would have been impossible: people have different opinions as well. As for me, I'm glad I approached the right persons who were all helpful in the organizing of the event.

And to those that just rattled without helping: SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS.