Looking Back on 2008

Looking back, 2008 is not a good year for me. True, I got a few things I never thought I'd be able to buy: a Sony Playstation 2 for my birthday (paid it off after a nightmarish 6 months) and a brand new Casio CTK-5000 keyboards (going to start paying for it just after my PC obligations expire next month).

However, the torment and the pain I had to go through for the majority of the year are not compensated for by these material things. Because of what my family -- of all people -- had done to me this year the feeling of fulfillment I should be getting from buying those things have simply disappeared.

2008 was marked by pain, problems and heated encounters. It had to take several rampages and destroyed appliances at home to get my mother to get off my back. It had to take a dagger pointed at my aunt's throat just for them to get my message that I don't want them meddling too much with my life. It had to take a few ripped skin off my fists and some bleeding just for them to get the message.

Well now they got the message; it's time for me to turn the tables on them next year. Let's see how they'd feel after I give them a dose of their own medicine. Sometimes you have to let people experience the same thing for them to understand what pain they are causing others. If I have to cast my soul aside just to do that, then I will. Lelouch Lamperouge has taught me quite a lot of lessons about myself.

If there's any good that rose out of the turmoil of 2008, it's the fact that I realized a lot of things about myself. I could no longer go on pretending to be what I am just to keep some people called friends close; I realized I had to show my true self even if it means I'd have to let go of some people who knew me for so long but yet clearly doesn't understand anything about me. I also realized that you cannot please all people nor you can expect all people to understand what you are doing. No amount of explaining can change the stubborn mind of one's that made up. The important thing is, you know what you are doing and that would be enough to fuel you through.

I've tried so hard (perhaps I failed) to put myself in other people's shoes my whole life just to maintain a "good" image that I've totally forgotten who I was. I had been living for other people; I didn't give myself a chance to live for myself.

2008 also taught me of what I was capable of. I never thought I had to learn it the hard way and against the wishes of my own family, but I learned to fight and stand for what I thought was right and good for me. All my life I sought to please other people that I've forgotten to keep myself happy as well. But this year I realized what it's like to live for yourself and find your own happiness: the people whom you thought would be happy for you would actually try to steal it away from you if it goes against their own happiness. A pretty selfish way to live life, thank God I'm not living that.

In the end, the pain and the anger they sowed into me bore fruit. I used my sorrow, my hate, my anger as my power to fuel my efforts and reach my plans. What Jet Li's character said in Rogue makes sense: "pain can be a weapon if you so choose." I chose, and I got to where I am. It's a bit sad, but I can never use happiness as a fuel to feed my heart's fire.

2009 is the start of a new life for me. From now on, I will live life for myself and not for other people. I should start living life the way I should be and not the way people want it to be. I won't let anyone forcing anything on me be it good or bad; nor will I force things on other people. It's my life, it's their lives. Que sera sera. To each his own. After all that's happened, everything beyond the gray curtain to the next year seems vague.

2009 might be an interesting year, after all. One thing is for certain: a few people will surely feel regret for everything they've done to me because I will be back with a vengeance.