The Undead Terrorizes Another Year

Waaaah! 2009 is here, and I am still here flaunting my undead ghastliness and cynicism. It turns out that i really couldn't die yet until I achieve what the fuck I am here for... unless I decide to take a more active hand really and commit suicide. I'm seriously considering that, but that's beside the point.

Let me sit back and tell you a few interesting takes on my past year, since this is the first day of the New Year.

• First, my break-up with my "mature" girlfriend in February 2008. I need not go into details about this break-up, since I don't want to bore you with years-old stories and accounts which some people might think of disputing. What makes this interesting is how she went over to my house when I was away in Negros to whine about it, resulting in the persecution of my current girlfriend. Nobody's perfect yes but for me it was a fuckin' childish thing to do. And my aunt and mother's joint reactions to the new relationship is nothing but stupid and absurd. To hell with both of them this year!

• My new-found love for music. I realized I really wanted to be a musician, and since they say it's never too late to start so I invested in time, patience and money to acquire a new trade: being a keyboardist. I never really had an idea that I'd need it later on, as a therapy to keep my inner demons at bay. I'd be working on this for the whole of 2009!
  

• My decision to finally shed the facade that I have maintained for 8 years and become the fully fledged Undead that I am. I am not immortal like the Elves of Middle-Earth nor as compassionate and as wise as they are. I am the Undead, with all the ghoulish and ghastly associations that come with it. I will be myself in 2009 and woe be to those that wouldn't like what they would be seeing!

• My continuing alcoholism and my deteriorating tolerance. When before I could drink up to 6 large bottles of Red Horse with a group without any problem, I realized now that I can only take up to two and start throwing up because my stomach has become too full and the acid starts to rise up my throat. I'll maintain that limit for 2009.

• Last year I acquired a new connection: an American in Korea! Don used to be just an online buddy in XGAM, a forum I used to be active in. July last year Don visited the Philippines in what was supposed to be a three-day stay in Cebu but due to unfortunate circumstances the stay lengthened to a week. It had been an experience being host to a foreigner at your own home. I don't expect to make new ones in 2009. I'm simply not good at visitors.

• The most interesting events had happened in the last Month of 2008, as if time was saving the best for last for me. I bought my new keyboards as planned, even earlier than planned, and even had the experience to go caroling house-to-house. Although most members considered it a negative experience, I simply don't. I'm going to make a few interesting experiences this year in 2009.
  

And oh, yeah this deserves its own paragraph. Near the end of December, I had the experience of actually almost dying. I was riding in a taxi at 5:30 a.m. and I noticed the car kept slightly swerving off the road. I looked at the rearview mirror and saw that the driver was nodding in sleep. The highway was almost deserted but nobody could second-guess that almighty Ceres bus that might plow through at high speed.

I was caught in two dilemmas: wake him up, or let him do his craft so we could die together. I was actually thrilled. The thought I could die without starting to pay for my keyboards never even occurred to me. However, I realized he might actually wake up of his own accord and drive normally, so I shocked him with a forceful slap to the head in the hope that he will get a heart attack and actually die. "Murder" never even crossed my mind.

In the end, he woke up and didn't get a heart attack. The Undead continue to live for another year. Like I said, the Undead cannot die... not yet. He has continued to live on and terrorize another year.

With pleasure. *insert evil laugh here*

Oh, hell, I think I've given you some sort of New Year's Resolution. Bummer.

Good luck for your 2009. May the Force be with you all.

Plans for 2009

Everyone has a plan for every New Year that comes along the way. The Immortal Undead is no exception. I have plans for 2009 as well, although these plans are no longer as small as my plans used to be. These are big, life-defining plans. These are plans that will have a major effect on my life and perhaps a few other lives as well.

Practice to become the keyboardist for the chapel

I'm not religious, and I don't plan to be. However, I want to give the people in this place where I live a new experience: to have a keyboard player join the local choir during the monthly mass on a Wednesday. It's not even a charity; I'm doing this to make sure people will not forget me when I die. It's for my own gain; I want the people in my neighborhood to remember me as the one who made a difference in their sorry lives and gave them something new. Besides, I wanted to die in a blaze of glory: next year might be my last, and this is my way to make sure I go out in a bang.

Become a better photographer

In a previous blog I mentioned that I am going to get myself my own digital single-lens reflex camera as a birthday gift for myself. This is part of my quest to take better pictures. True, it's not the bow, it's the Indian but an SLR gives me more creative opportunities much like my new keyboards gives me more options in expressing myself through music. In line with that saying, an Indian can hit farther targets with a longer bow etcetera etcetera. And then I shall use the people in this place as models. Again, this is to make sure they don't forget me as the person who gave them something new to look back to in their pathetic lives.

Learn financial independence

Because of everything that has happened to me in 2008, I realized I have to become financially independent so that no one can ever touch or meddle with my affairs even if it includes my own mother and father. Those two have touched the end of my patience; I'm no longer chummy to the idea that they have some sort of control over me even if I'm already at this age. No one has to right to bond me, parents included. This is my life and that's the way it should be, and financial independence is a good start.

That's about it. The three major plans that I have to put into motion when the New Year starts within a few days, and I will leap through rock and stone just to make them into reality. No longer will I be the passive and carefree person I used to be; for my own good, I have to start taking a hand and stop letting "destiny" guide me through the road I didn't even want to take.

Looking Back on 2008

Looking back, 2008 is not a good year for me. True, I got a few things I never thought I'd be able to buy: a Sony Playstation 2 for my birthday (paid it off after a nightmarish 6 months) and a brand new Casio CTK-5000 keyboards (going to start paying for it just after my PC obligations expire next month).

However, the torment and the pain I had to go through for the majority of the year are not compensated for by these material things. Because of what my family -- of all people -- had done to me this year the feeling of fulfillment I should be getting from buying those things have simply disappeared.

2008 was marked by pain, problems and heated encounters. It had to take several rampages and destroyed appliances at home to get my mother to get off my back. It had to take a dagger pointed at my aunt's throat just for them to get my message that I don't want them meddling too much with my life. It had to take a few ripped skin off my fists and some bleeding just for them to get the message.

Well now they got the message; it's time for me to turn the tables on them next year. Let's see how they'd feel after I give them a dose of their own medicine. Sometimes you have to let people experience the same thing for them to understand what pain they are causing others. If I have to cast my soul aside just to do that, then I will. Lelouch Lamperouge has taught me quite a lot of lessons about myself.

If there's any good that rose out of the turmoil of 2008, it's the fact that I realized a lot of things about myself. I could no longer go on pretending to be what I am just to keep some people called friends close; I realized I had to show my true self even if it means I'd have to let go of some people who knew me for so long but yet clearly doesn't understand anything about me. I also realized that you cannot please all people nor you can expect all people to understand what you are doing. No amount of explaining can change the stubborn mind of one's that made up. The important thing is, you know what you are doing and that would be enough to fuel you through.

I've tried so hard (perhaps I failed) to put myself in other people's shoes my whole life just to maintain a "good" image that I've totally forgotten who I was. I had been living for other people; I didn't give myself a chance to live for myself.

2008 also taught me of what I was capable of. I never thought I had to learn it the hard way and against the wishes of my own family, but I learned to fight and stand for what I thought was right and good for me. All my life I sought to please other people that I've forgotten to keep myself happy as well. But this year I realized what it's like to live for yourself and find your own happiness: the people whom you thought would be happy for you would actually try to steal it away from you if it goes against their own happiness. A pretty selfish way to live life, thank God I'm not living that.

In the end, the pain and the anger they sowed into me bore fruit. I used my sorrow, my hate, my anger as my power to fuel my efforts and reach my plans. What Jet Li's character said in Rogue makes sense: "pain can be a weapon if you so choose." I chose, and I got to where I am. It's a bit sad, but I can never use happiness as a fuel to feed my heart's fire.

2009 is the start of a new life for me. From now on, I will live life for myself and not for other people. I should start living life the way I should be and not the way people want it to be. I won't let anyone forcing anything on me be it good or bad; nor will I force things on other people. It's my life, it's their lives. Que sera sera. To each his own. After all that's happened, everything beyond the gray curtain to the next year seems vague.

2009 might be an interesting year, after all. One thing is for certain: a few people will surely feel regret for everything they've done to me because I will be back with a vengeance.

The Empty Can Rattles the Most

There's this saying "the empty can rattles the most." I never realized until last night how apt it could possibly be.

Okay, a brief background. In my sitio, I am the vice president of the youth council. Technically this year you could say I'm the de facto president because the actual president is so inutile and deserves to be castrated. He always wants to have someone by his side when doing something and chooses to postpone it if I'm not available most of the times due to circumstances beyond my control. As a result, he is stagnant. Anyway, since our fiesta is starting, we have started planning the activities two weeks ago. He and I were supposed to be jointly in charge of Activity No. 1, "Mr. Pogi" but no, he chose not to coordinate because he wants me to go knocking on his door to solicit his help. I had so much to think of to even do that, including my work.

I happened to be already cynical and pissed off at his style so I went one-man army in organizing the event. Lol, just kidding. I was busy organizing the first event since last week, assigning the activities to a few people as sub-chairpersons. So, it went like this: I assigned one youngster here as in-charge of recruiting people who'll participate as contestants, and assigned my cousin as in-charge of the decoration. I decided to busy myself preparing the CDs and other media that the contestants and guest participants need to pull off their numbers because that's where I'm good at. I even had to remix a few songs for some kids who were going to be guest dancers last night.

All in all, it was a success. Everyone had fun. I had fun myself. Nobody except the participants and the ones who helped organize the event knew that I was the overall chairman. I refused to have my name publicly credited because I've always hated being put in the spotlight. It's as if I'm working only for credit, which I am not. I just worked at it because I had to.

What I realized last night, is that no matter what you do, there will always be feedback from people. Positive feedbacks are welcome, yet negative comments are always invited. The funny thing in life is that the negatives always come from those that never had a hand in the organization. They're the prima donnas of the night; they just prefer to sit back and nitpick at a few mistakes as if they have the right to. However, they have no one to direct it to because I was basically a shadow organizer: I worked behind the scenes.

Lesson learned: People, typically most Filipinos, will always want things to work their way without exerting the effort needed to get that goal. In my case, it was these people's inability to assist or even volunteer to help in order to arrive at the event they wanted to. Which would have been impossible: people have different opinions as well. As for me, I'm glad I approached the right persons who were all helpful in the organizing of the event.

And to those that just rattled without helping: SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS.

I Hate Special Treatment

I really abhor that word. Who doesn't? Who would want to have themselves placed second next to someone else? I also don't want to be treated special as well. Years of being subjected to preferential treatment has led me to really hate that behavior, even if it means that I am the one being given the special treatment.

This is the same reason why I've gradually lost interest in mingling with my former friends in this neighborhood. At first, I enjoyed being with them as I haven't really lived life the way they do at their age. However, when I started looking at things, I noticed a pattern of preferential treatment towards my direction.

For example, if I visit their house, even when I just want to stand because I don't want to sit, they will give up one of their seats just for me. Yup, even if some of them are standing already they will give me that seat. What am I? A lady? During one of the birthday celebrations here, I also had a special serving in a separate plate while all the others were at a boodle fight. One of them also said that I deserve to be treated special.

I hate that treatment. I hate being treated like a king. What the f*** is wrong with these people? Is it because I'm in a class higher than they are? I'd personally hate them if I find out that's their reason; it's as if I didn't go through being in a class like they are. In fact, I already am hating them. I still would have issues if they meant well. The feeling of special treatment makes the gathering boring for me. I don't want to be in a seat higher than anyone else.

I don't understand why, when all others simply fade into the background for mingling with others, I get the exact opposite. It seems I always attract unnecessary attraction or treatment even if I'd try to envelop myself in the midst of everyone. It wasn't a problem when I was younger, but now as I grow older I just want to fade into the background. However, it seems I won't be able to do so in this place.

I hate special treatment and the people who does it. It could be that I'm starting to hate this neighborhood I live in as well.

Making Sacrifices

We all know that change is the only constant thing in this world. This is very true, as i have just lately realized. I also realized some changes are forced unto ourselves while other changes are willingly influenced by our own selves, depending on the need and the situation.

How does one introduce changes into their own lives? The one important word is: sacrifice. To make changes, you have to make sacrifices. Making a sacrifice, coupled with the need to bring in change, is as difficult as changing already is. Sacrifice requires emotional and social strength. Sacrifice is not only about giving up something, it's about giving up people as well. It's as hard as it gets, but sometimes you have to sacrifice for the betterment of things.

I have given up people myself, while some people have also given up on me. Things like that hard can be hard to cope with, but for the sake of changes, you have to have the strength to accept such a truth. Again, you must also have the strength to sacrifice some people in your lives if you think doing so will change your life for the better.

Then again, I find it exasperating that people fail to understand or even try to understand what I am doing. Instead, to cope up with that, they try to force their perspectives on me and try to prove me wrong. It's counter-productive. Doing so only creates confusion and disrupts the flow of things. Only in trying to understand and having the openness to understand a person's actions is the key to comprehending and finding peace.

Pain and maybe even anger are part of a separation and the process of sacrifice. They are but normal reactions. However, these emotions should not bar us from the process of understanding. The key to this is looking past your personal opinions and reactions on the matter and looking into the other person's mind. Empathy. It's exactly easy to do.

Sometimes, too, trying too much to read a person is counter-productive as we are almost always wrong. Perhaps the best way to understand what happened is just to live with it; the answer will soon float to the surface for you to grasp.

No Free Reading Please!

We always see in this bookstores, imploring would-be buyers to avoid ripping off the plastic coverings of the books sold. There are several explanations for this but the answer is actually very simple: it hurts their business.

They would say it looked like they're selling books that are not straight off from publishers. They would also cite to their defense the presence of the following passage in many books: "If you bought this without a cover, you should be aware that this book is stolen property. It was reported as "unsold and destroyed" to the publisher and neither the author nor the publisher has received any payment for this "stripped book.""

Fancy words, but the end means the same: It hurts their business. It's actually pretty simple. We all know about this but I just love the blog about it. I always make it a point to preach from personal experiences so I'm going to use a personal experience about the "No Free Reading Policy."

A few months ago, I bought a book entitled "The Only Basic Piano Instruction Book You Will Ever Need" by Brooke Halpin. The book is actually very good, very informative... good value for the PHP545 investment I made for the purchase. I learned quickly, and am now progressing through the major and minor scales of music. The circle of fifths, if you may. I wouldn't say that I'm good at playing the piano. I plain suck. Anyway, it is at this point irrelevant to our discussion or conversation, whatever you may call it.

If you were in my place, would you right away make a purchase of PHP545 for a book whose contents you don't even know? As for me, I'm normally a risk-taker, but I was on the lookout to learn. There were a lot of other books that were cheaper, but still I chose to buy Halpin's book. You want to know why? It's because I violated the No Free Reading policy. I opened the plastic cover -- it was actually opened by someone who browsed through the book before I did -- and browsed through the contents. That's how I found out that the book would really teach me to play in as short a time as possible (it's still constant practice and study that matters, after all).

Business is war, they say. Businesses are not only at war amongst themselves, but also against consumers. In these days of financial hardships, consumers have developed ways to make sure their money don't go wasted on products that would otherwise be unusable. In the context of books, people want to make sure that what they need is on that book and it will help them in whatever purpose they have for that book. As for me, I needed to make sure the book has the right structure and the lessons that will help me learn the piano as quickly as I could possibly learn. So far, it has been effective.

Businesses are always out to earn something, and in this age, they are evolving as well to make sure customers buy their products. The No Free Reading Policy is intended to make sure the bookstores' stocks are emptied or else they incur loss. Of course, it's part of business but from a businessman's point of view, losses should be minimized which is true hence the policy.

But, in the end, the customer will always prevail if they are just keen enough. That's the same reason why there are a lot of opened and unbought books in National Bookstore because people are browsing through the books and magazines before they decide to buy them. I may think that's the reason why there is a spot there where people can read some magazines and books for free. Businessmen may have realized they are powerless against the consumers, who actually have the power to hold their business hostage.

Personal Acceptance

In life, there are things about ourselves that we find hard to live with or even think about. These things, as I see them, are actually some of the real causes of our personal miseries at some point of our lives.

When I was 13 years old, at the time of raging hormones and overwhelming pressures to fit in, my own personality was a subject of loathing for myself, and a subject of ridicule from bullies. Because of that, I hated to see my own reflection in a mirror (although this has carried over to the present, I still feel uncomfortable facing a mirror for a long time). I used to say, "Why do I have this wavy kind of hair? Why is my nose like this? Why am I named this way and that?"

Because of that, I suffered emotionally, because I long to be something that I am not. Each time I see the school heartthrob, I used to wonder why he's what he is and I am not. Yeah, at that age, it was a guy's envy when someone else is famous with the girls.. so I guess I was normal after all if I felt envy. Anyway, when I had a conversation with this heartthrob, he confided in me that he still has his insecurities despite his status in school. And, yeah, he waves me off each time I tell him that a lot of girls like him, instead saying, "Dili tawon ko guapo bai!"

Perhaps I had been gifted (or cursed?) with a mind that doesn't stop thinking while my eyes are open, and I found myself realizing that while to my eyes he is the epitome of perfection, for him he still lacks something because he felt that way (of course if he was not pretending anything while talking to me).

Even my empathic nature is a source of consternation for me during my younger years. At that time, I had no idea what an empath was, nor did I even care to find out. It just irks me why people's emotions seem to flood into me and affect me like that time when I was the one who cried instead of my cousin that was being reprimanded by my mom. It turned out he was just holding it in, but it spilled into me and made me cry.

When I grew older, i started becoming comfortable with myself, not because I realized I had something others don't have, but because I've started becoming weary of complaining to myself why I am like this or that. When I first understood what an empath was, I started gradually to accept that I am one of them, and that I cannot control the alien and out of context emotions that I feel. I started to understand myself and thus, accepted myself.

My point here is, when you've accepted yourself and what you are, things will be a lot easier. Our own miseries which we inflict upon ourselves in our discontentment will no longer bother us, because we are already comfortable with the idea that we are what we are. We won't bother comparing ourselves to others and finding a lot of faults. In acceptance, I guess, we find peace.

The Church and Homophobia

Just recently, I've been noticing a rising trend of homophobic tendencies or some sort of censorship against homosexuals in the Roman Catholic Church.

One of these include the recent prohibitions made by the Church to all parishes and chapels in regards to celebrating town fiesta. One of these included barring Miss Gay competitions or even Boxing sa Bayot (Boxing of the Gays) in any entertainment shows to be shown in the whole week of the fiesta.

I asked the lay minister in charge of the weekly Bible studies (hypocrites, in my opinion) and he said something like, "These things should be banned because gays are not the epitome of beauty" or something along those lines in the Cebuano language.

I'm not fond of same-sex relationships at all. However, I have friends who are homosexuals. Most of them are close friends. For their part, I was offended. The minister's words made me think that the Church views homosexuals as merely monsters or abominations to this world. So now, they're cracking down on these people because their gender are not something that was pointed out in the Bible.

Some priests probably would even point to homosexual behavior (same-sex sexual relations) as a prelude to a second Sodom and Gomorrah although I haven't heard anyone say it yet.

What the Church is forgetting is that these people are humans. These are human beings with a mind and a heart to be hurt and offended by what they are being said to be. They probably forget the saying, "God created us all in his likeness." I wish I could've recorded what that guy said and used it for blackmail. Too bad I didn't. Anyway, the point or the argument is still the same: does the Catholic Church look too down on homosexuals to the point that they are no longer humans but animals not carrying the likeness of God?

They are so quick to point out the "horrors" of same-sex relationships but they are also quick to cover up the true horrors of what most of their priests are doing to young children all over the world.

A joke told by Jeff Dunham's puppet Achmed the Dead Terrorist goes as follows: "I did the same to two Catholic priests, but I tossed in a small boy! And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson!" How apt indeed.

Well, I happen to be pro-life but I use condoms. So what does the Church, a staunch "pro-life" defender, have to say to that?

Materialism

Some people just don't know that they're telling more than what they are saying... they just don't realize that I sometimes read between the lines.

I hate materialism. That's the one thing in this world that I'll never learn to like. As a child, I was exposed to the materialistic inclinations of the wife of my grandfather's brother. I don't like her even now, despite the fact she's already old and that she is my grandmother. Well, I don't care about her and I never will. I hate people who look down on others just because they have less than what they have or, in some cases, because they have more than what these people have.

I know just a few minutes ago, my aunt (the same asshole one I almost killed two months ago) was talking about how a guy would stick to a girl if he has spent a lot on her. Considering his investment, she says, he'd stick to the girl even if he has no feelings. I know she was talking about my girlfriend because she said it a bit louder when I was around. Then I know she was talking about my previous relationship when said the true feelings come out if there is give-and-take.

What she doesn't know is that if you make calculations, 80% of the spendings during dates with my ex-girlfriend was shouldered by me. It's a pride thing, anyway, because I don't like the idea of a girl spending on me. I spent a lot on my ex-girlfriend, yet I managed to let it go when the time came that it made no sense already. Because of that, her theory sounds bullshit to me. That's because I don't look at things materially. What I spent is not something that I count. That's what she'll never see. She probably never will, or if she does, she won't admit it.

I feel sorry for these people. They'll never get past the world they created for themselves, and will never see the big picture due to their unwillingness to be open to the reality and the multi-faceted aspects of this world. Well, as for my aunt, I'd really want to shove her theories and bullshit up her sorry ass. If there's one person in this world I'll never forgive, then that person would be her.